I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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