Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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