I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
