you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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