How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why did my mother make you get naked?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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