you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
