so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
