Where are you?
In a non slutty way
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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