just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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