Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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