Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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