I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
