Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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