she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
