Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
