I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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