I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
