I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
