i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
