I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
