my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
