I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
