Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
