i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize