Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Sponge bath it is.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
