Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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