I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
