Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
