If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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