Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
