come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I need water and some morals
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