my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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