Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
