Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Shame is for Republicans.
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