I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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