Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
