WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
