do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
it glows. i had to have it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How drunk are you?
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