One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
