I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
