oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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