Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
