I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
