It's Friday. Sex?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
