Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
