What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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