i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
