At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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