matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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