soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
