I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
