The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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