I accidentally burped into my bong.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Come on in and take your pants off
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