there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
